scaresplants | 2: Torturing plants is a personal hobby

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2: Torturing plants is a personal hobby

[The SFC comes on, and the first thing you see are a row of potted plants standing on a desk. And they are gorgeous. Their leaves are a bright verdant green, and just looking at them could bring up thoughts of a magnificent forest. Some of them are even flowering, and the flowers are delicate and perfect in any way]

[For a while, no one pops up on screen, although you can hear someone cheerfully whistling "Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen in the background. Then, it stops, and Crowley comes on screen, looking rather chipper.]

Oh, yeah. Almost forgot. Does anyone know where I can find a plant mister? You know, one of those spray bottle things that can spray water. I've checked around, but all they seem to have are those large watering cans that really serve no purpose at all.

Thanks again. [He gives a curt wave, and walks off the screen, starting to whistle again. Torturing plants helps him keep his mind off of things.]

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[ It's voice because Aziraphale hasn't worked out how to use a video yet. 8| Yeah. ]

Will the torture never end? Soon all flora will fear you, my dear. [ a pause. ] I've not seen anything of that sort, unfortunately.

[You could always ask the demon how to do that. you know. He won't bite.]

I kind of think that's the point. [Crowley sighs.] Man, of all the things I could use most right now, and they don't even have it. What a pity.

[ ... Yeah, well, he's a little busy hiding from angry Sons that want to rip his wings off ): ]

Couldn't you just... [ He waves his hand rather vaugly, but of course Crowley can't see it. ] Make one?

[He perfectly understands. You could always hang around Crowley's place if you're really that worried, you know.]

[The demon looks thoughtful.] I could, but then again, I kind of like the challenge of finding one on my own. Help keeps my mind off of things.

[ There's a long pause. ]

Perhaps I could join you in your search, my dear. I'm quite certain having more... 'Manpower' would be useful.

[Crowley pauses too.]

Hah, it'd be like an adventure or something. I could see it now- "Aziraphale and Crowley find the lost Plant Mister of Vatheon!". Totally a blockbuster.

[Another awkward pause.]...What I mean is, yes, that would be helpful.

[ A long pause then a chuckle. Really, Crowley? He almost can't believe you said that, but then again... ]

Then feel free to call when you decide to instigate the search for the "Lost Plant Mister of Vatheon", my dear.

[ Then there's a pause and a sort of embarrassed shuffling noise ]

Perhaps whilst we search you could teach me how to use this thing properly...?

[Crowley just falls silent for a while, looking rather sheepish. Man, he just couldn't quite say no, could he?]

Uh, yeah, I'll definitely do that.

[The demon bursts into a grin.] I was expecting you would say that. Man, you just haven't caught up to technology, have you? Yes, yes, I'll help. Though next time, I'm going to make you learn it on your own, you know.

[ Aziraphale smiles, though Crowley can't see it. Trying to imagine being stuck here without his best friend makes him feel quite upset; he's so, so happy that Crowley is here. ]

Good - and thank you, my dear. I just don't understand the need for all the buttons and such. The telephone I had in my bookshop was more than enough.

[The demon will never admit this, but if he didn't have the angel here, he wouldn't know what to do. He'd be so lonely that he wouldn't know how to cope with it, now that he thinks about it.]

There are buttons because they all have a purpose, angel. And no, they're not all numbers. Some of them are letters, too. Fascinating, isn't it?

[ Thank Go- Goodness for best friends. ]

But that's what the post is for! [ He actually sounds rather put out that someone wants to use technology over the wonderful postage system ]

[The demon would raise a toast to that.]

No, no, no, angel. I meant letters of the alphabet. You know, A, B, and C? Up to Z?

Well, speaking of the post, snail mail became obsolete about, what, ten years ago? I mean, people still use it, but they send each other electronic mail now.

Oh. [ Well, he tells himself, that was an easy mistake to make. He doesn't sound very impressed with e-mail, though ] I still think the English postage system is far, far greater than... Electronic mail, was it?

It's e-mail for short, angel. Almost everything is abbreviated nowadays.

Well, not many people think so, I'm afraid. I've even heard that people would rather read the newspaper online than read it as a hard copy. Even books are online now.

[ This is all too much for Aziraphale to take. ]

Crowley, please tell me you're joking. Why would anyone want to read a book on one of those ridiculous machines?

What, would I ever lie to you? I really serious. A lot of people nowadays read books online. There's even this machine that you can download books on. Then, you can take it anywhere you go and read whatever you want.

[Oh, the demon's being so cruel, but he can't help it.] Maybe, someday there won't be anymore printed books. They'll all just be electronic.

No more printed books-!?

[ There's a long, long pause. The poor angel is trying to get to grips with this. After a moment of shocked pain he sighs quietly. ]

I suppose it may mean less people trying to buy my books.

That's the spirit. No sense walking into a dark tunnel if you can't see the light at the end of it, am I right? Now, no one will bother you about your books, and you'll be free to do whatever you want with them.

[ He feels an odd sort of humour at the "light at the end of the tunnel" comment (that's one of his lines, normally) but he relaxes. ]

Yes, I suppose that's right, my dear. I'll still collect my books, however, and I will never resort to electronic mail so long as the postal service still accepts letters.

[Hey, Crowley's an optimist. That's actually how he sees things.]

You know, you'll probably have only few years before that will happen. Best do everything as soon as you can, hmm?

[ He sighs. ]

Yes, well. One must learn to adapt sooner or later. I choose later.

You know, a rather sweet Fräulein was looking for some flowers; wanted to plant a garden--I recommend roses, personally. I'm pretty sure they'd be in the same place... the only gap in the logic here is the fact that place seems to be elusive. Perhaps you ought to help her, though, ja?

[ See what a helpful law-abiding Prosecuting Rockstar he is? ... Also. ] Haha--a fan of Queen. Somehow, it seems more to me you want to kill those plants then make them grow~

Really? A girl looking for flowers? Hadn't heard of here, though if she asked me, I would certainly give her some seeds or something.

[Which actually means that he'd rather save the world again than give his precious plants to anyone. Such a selfish little demon he is.]

Yep, that band is my favorite. Aw, does it really seem like that? All I really do is just talk to them, you know. Does wonders for their growth.

Ja, ja. Her name's Noel Vermillion. Cute blond; ridiculous military-looking outfit?

[ Hey, Klavier might be a rockstar and a prosecutor, but he uses nothing but logic. The ultimate irony, is that he doesn't know how illogical his chosen professions are. ]

Mm, really! It's so hard to find people here with any taste in music; it's like cardboard: flat and boring. I have nothing against cardboard, of course, it's just that it and symphonic music tend to have the same impact on a person. Unless the cardboard is for an album cover, of course.

[ A slight pause, and he laughs. It's clear he doesn't believe that at all, but. God, he should get one for Ema... ]

[The demon shakes his head.] Nope, can't say I've seen or heard of her. Only cute person I've seen around here is a girl named Nodoka, and she doesn't sound like this Noel at all.

[Crowley grins.] Exactly. Those people who listen to people like Litzt are really asking for boredom. That or angelic symphonies, I don't know which. I don't really think there's a difference.

Hey, what's so funny? [Crowley says this with a smirk, showing that he is not being so serious about his question.] It's been proven that talking to plants helps their growth.

Ah, the Fräulein Kitten. I helped her when she arrived; she was a real mess.

[ He laughs. Yeah, this guy gets it. ] I respect where music came from, but I know far too many prosecutors from my country who seem to be STUCK there. It's sad, really--I think they use the money for a time machine, because I can't find any other reason why someone would still want to wear a napkin like that around their neck...

[ ... He's just going to shake his head. ] Careful, one day you might just anger the wrong plant. Personally, I think playing classical music is far crueler, which explains why some kids these days are so problematic... Mozart is a little worrying.

Yeah, she's such a little wallflower, isn't she? She really needs to come out of her shell if she wants to face the big bad world out there.

[The demon laughs- he knows a person exactly like that. His name rhymes with "pail".] Oh, you mean cravats? Yeah, some people just can't keep up with the times. I mean, I know someone who still thinks tartan is stylish.

[He grins.] Well, even if that happens, they're no match for me. But, not all classical music is bad. It's just that you can't listen to it for a long period of time because you start falling asleep.

Haha, I think she's trying. Whatever happened, she's still a little young, ja? Waking up in a place like this from where she'd come from... I guess it's the prosecutor in me, but I want to know someone isn't after her, or something, you know? Her clothing was pretty bad, so I sacrificed my coat for her. It was a worthy cause.

[ Wait wait back up: TARTAN? Oh man, he seems shocked. Sincerely shocked. If Klavier ever met Aziraphale... he'd probably pick the angel up and immediately try to accomplish what no person has ever dared to do: update his fashion sense. And maybe music sense. He's a determined guy, if nothing else, and knows not what 'giving up a lost cause' means at times. ]

... Mein gott, I correct myself: you've got a serious crisis on your hands.

True, true. She wouldn't be expected to be used to all of this stuff. He-, heck, I don't think anyone would be used to waking up in another place. [The demon grins even wider.] Giving your clothes to the ladies? Why, don't you sound like the generous man.

[It's best to give up while you can. Trying to update Aziraphale's fashion sense is like trying to wrangle a whale, dress it up in a suit, and force it to sing opera tunes in the Sydney Opera House. Even the demon here can't really go and do that.]

Yes, I do. I've been telling him for years that he needs to do something, and yet he never does.

Well, unless you're used to frequent abductions? I'd have to agree. But I'm reluctant to interro--ah, pardon me, ask her... that's just not my style. Maybe you can get something out of her about what happened to her? I just want to make sure if someone wants to hurt her, I'll know about it. Maybe be able to do something, ja?

[ Heh, just going to smile. It's a man's sworn duty to uphold chivalrous stuff. This is more for the benefit of going out with older women, but his brother's sense of justice and duty (despite him being a serial killing maniac but he doesn't KNOW that, not totally), and all... kind of stuck with him. ]

Hm... perhaps I should help. Prosecutors are meant to be persuasive, anyway; it's my job. In fact, I'm of the opinion it's anyone's duty to correct such an egregious error. Besides, I've managed the impossible quite often~

[Crowley shrugs.] Sure, I'll try, if you really want to know. She seems comfortable around me- I could go ahead and ask her when she isn't expecting it.

[Crowley pauses, and then bursts out laughing.] Really? Well, then, maybe you can go and divide by zero, then, because that's actually more easier and possible than trying to update that guy's fashion sense. I'm being serious. I don't doubt your skills as a prosectuor, it's just that it's impossible for anyone to go and correct him. And I mean anyone.

Ah, danke. I guess you can sort of call it instinct. I can't let odd things go unnoticed, they just bother me until I can figure out what to do about them...

[ And on the fashion note? Klavier is UTTERLY UNDETERRED. In fact, out of habit, that earns you a ~~rockjection~~ Objection. ]

Well, we'll see about THAT. I'm taking this as a personal challenge, then. Though in my free time, I'll work on dividing some zeros for you, if it'll prove entertaining~

[ Persuasion should work~! Liiiike dragging the guy out and forcing him to try on clothes! /o/ He's done it to Apollo before. And he'll do it to anyone. Bold isn't even the word for him. Neither is "stubborn", "stupid", or "brick wall". ]

[Crowley chuckles, evidently very amused by all the finger-pointing and reckless persuasion.]

Okay, fine, fine, you can try. But, I'm warning you, he'll take it like a duck to bank accounting.

[A pause.]

By the way, what's your name, mister prosecutor?

I take it you've never heard of Scrooge McDuck, then~?

[ Yes, yes, he knows, but he couldn't resist pointing it out--he just had to, since Crowley brought it up. Anyway, have an energetic thumbs-up, Crowley. ] Anyway, if you think that's going to deter me, it really isn't~ I'LL be happy to be the first.

... And it's Klavier. Klavier Gavin. Nice to meet you.

Oh no, I have, but that was a perfectly fictional duck, if I remember correctly.

[Crowley shakes his head, trying to keep from laughing.] I'll go and tell him then, and then we'll see if your determination is really enough to face the travesty that is my friend's fashion sense.

Nice to meet you, Piano Man. Name's Crowley.

[ Klavier is nothing if not determined. So what if it's fictional? He was just begging to have it said, really. ]

Well, I don't think we need a nuclear meltdown from radioactive bad fashion. I've heard it's absolutely deadly. I'll be glad to.

[ ... Oh ha ha the Piano thing. Like he hasn't heard THAT one before. ]

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2: Torturing plants is a personal hobby

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[Video] I had to.

[Video] ILU so hard.

[Video forever] I kinda love how clueless Klav is about it.

[Video forever] He totally is. :D

He's at least clever for a regular human, though |D

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